So ever since my audition for the Biggest Loser, I stopped blogging about my progress. Something about standing in line for four hours with people who had weight problems, many more severe than mine, broke my spirit. Something inside of me started to nag me. Why I should think I'm special enough to achieve my dreams and conquer my goals?
I started to down-spiral into old habits and old thinking patterns. I let emotional eating back into my life and exercise became something I was not motivated to do unless I actually had to go to class. This has been such a constant pattern in my life, that whenever I start something that is good for myself, I wait for the ball to drop, so inevitably, it does.
Despite my subconscious efforts, however, my final weigh-in was a bitter triumph for me. I still won, after losing 10 pounds of body fat and gaining three pounds of lean muscle. It felt like when I would pass a class I knew I should fail, just because I had worked so hard in the beginning of the semester and the straight A's that fell into C's and D's balanced out into a passing grade.
As I write this, I know I'm taking the first step towards breaking this vicious cycle. I still have my dreams of conquering mountains and marathons, and with God's help I could move those mountains if I needed to--I just need to believe. To believe that I am special enough to do these things only got me six weeks of solid effort, but to believe that God designed me in His image has much more lasting power.
I'm writing this to get myself back. Lord, help me.
