Epiphany

So, this morning during a casual conversation about my extremely organized sister-in-law, we settled on the topic of making plans and how much I admired my sister-in-law's ability to make her plans become realities. I mentioned that Matt hates hearing my plans, and then he mentioned the difference between her and I: she does what she plans to do. When my mother-in-law silently agreed, I realized that I have indeed gone from the organized, 30 year planner type, and my flaky, unreliable characteristics that were once charming and humorously expected have become a tragic flaw.

At first, I told myself that I was just surrendering my life to God. That my 30 year plan was evidence of my mistrust in His ability to guide my life into His Plan. Now, however, I have discovered that I let go of the steering wheel completely in a way that would suggest drunk driving rather than Carrie Underwood's submission in "Jesus, take the wheel." I went from one extreme to the other: overly organized and ambitious to idle and slothful.

It's difficult for me to say that starting from this point on I will do as I plan and go back to my organized and active lifestyle in a way that is glorifying to God, because now that I've come to this resolution I am fearful of making promises that I doubt I can keep. I have to remind myself that all things are possible through Christ, and submit these feelings and goals to Him.

I'm constantly reminded of the parable of the servant burying his talent due to fear and disguising his mistrust as a cautious and intelligent financial move. His master berates him, asking why he didn't try to invest his talent. Though this parable is often related to evangelizing, I tend to take it more literally. Why haven't I invested in the gifts God has give me in order to accrue the characteristics of the woman God planned for me to become?

This epiphany has much to do with my weight gain and the goals I set for myself. If my readers look at what I hope to accomplish someday after I reach my magic weight loss number, most will laugh and roll their eyes, and say "Oh, Katy, she loves to reach for the stars though her feet are pitted in the ground." I don't want to be seen that way anymore. It's been too long since I've actually accomplished something I've set out to do. If God can move mountains, I have to believe that He can move me from the idle life to the Ideal life.